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Stress Control

Hear it, learn it, use it!!!!

The key to successful stress management is not in taking it out on people
you KNOW, take it out on people you DON'T KNOW! Listen and learn, children.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I
found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?". I politely said, "This is Bob Mermelstein. Could I please speak
with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't
believe that anyone (outside of my first wife) could be so rude. I tracked
down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two
numbers incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number
still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next
to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a particularly bad
day, I'd call him up. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would
always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced Caller
ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I might have to stop calling
the jackass. But, then, I had an idea. I dialed his number then heard his
voice, made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company
and I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID program?" He
said, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,
"That's because you're a jackass."
I tell you this story so that you all realize that if there's anything
really bothering you, you can do something about it without hurting the
one's you love. But this lesson isn't over (pity, you say). A few days
later, I'm at the mall. I was waiting to pull into a space occupied by an
elderly woman. She was really taking her time pulling out of the space. I
didn't think she'd ever leave. Finally, her car began to back up slowly. I
backed up to give her plenty of room to maneuver. Great, I thought, she's
finally leaving. All of a sudden, this black Camaro comes flying up the
parking aisle in the wrong direction and he pulls into her space! I started
honking my horn and yelled, "Hey buddy, you can't just do that. I was here
first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro and completely ignored me. He
walked toward the mall as if he can't hear me. I thought to myself, "This
guy is a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world". And
then I noticed that he had a For Sale sign in his car window. I wrote down
the number and then went to find another space to park in. A couple of days
later, I was sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone with the
first jackass (I put him on speed dial) when I noticed the phone number of
the guy with the black Camaro. I was having a rotten day so I thought I'd
better call this guy, too. He answered the phone and said, "Hello?" I
said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" He said, "Why yes it
is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes", he replied, "I live at
1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked out front." I said, "What's you name?" "My name is Don
Hanson." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the
evenings", he said. "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don,
you're a jackass!" And I slammed down the phone. After I hung up I added
Don's number to my speed dial. For a while, I was feeling pretty good. My
stress level was pretty low. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to
call. But, after several months of calling these two jackasses and hanging
up on them, it just didn't have the same impact as it did in the past. I
gave the problem some serious thought (the only kind I have) and came up
with a solution. First, I speed dialed Jackass #1. He answered, "Hello?"
I yelled, "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up. He said, "Are you
still there?" "Yeah", I said. He said, "Stop calling me!" I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hanson". He said , "Where
do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black
Camaro is parked out front". "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better
start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" Then
I called Don. He said, "Hello?" "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever
found out who you are." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your ass." "Well here's
your chance. I'm coming right over, jackass!" I hung up. I then called the
police, told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and said that I was going
to kill my boss as soon as he got home. Then I called our ABC affiliate
about the gang war going down at 1802 West 34th Street After that, I
climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious! I can tell you first hand that watching two jackasses kick the
crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and
team of reporters was, without a doubt, one of the greatest experiences of
my life. So, when you're blue and having a really bad day, don't take it
out on your family and friends. call a jackass instead. I hope this was as
valuable an experience for you as it was for me*so much to learn! If you
didn't laugh out loud at this, you have no sense of humor.
 
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